Parting Thoughts
by amberdowny
Summary: Hawkeye and BJ's thoughts during Goodbye, Farewell and Amen.


Disclaimer: I don't own MASH. If I did, it would've been even slashier than it already was, if that's humanly possible.

A/N: Okay, let's see if I can do this monster justice. I watched GFA on the 26th and this idea sprung into my head. It's done in thoughts (so it'll likely be as rambling as thoughts often are) from two POV's, Hawk and B.J., with dialogue from the show interspersed. Absolutely no narration. Just dialogue and thoughts. You need to know GFA semi-well to fully understand, I think…

**B.J.**

"Go, what're you waiting for?"

I don't know.

"I don't know. I…I just thought there might be something we wanted to say to each other before I left." I don't want to leave without you knowing…you'd been so hurt by Trapper doing just that.

"So tell me the next time you see me. I'm not gonna be here forever, I can guarantee you that."

Neither am I, Hawk. "Yeah. Well…I'll see you."

I didn't want to leave without Hawkeye knowing. But he's so--so hostile. He doesn't remember what happened, Sidney said he repressed it, and he's convinced he's fine. I don't want to know what telling him I'm leaving would do--even though I asked Sidney. I just hope--oh. I don't even remember walking down the hall and already I'm at the door.

**Hawkeye**

"Why don't we compromise? Send me to a foxhole in Crabapple Cove, you can check up on me there."

"I'm afraid of lobsters. I'll have the bellhop bring you your pants."

I don't want to go back. I know Sidney's right, and that makes it worse. I've helped treat patients just the same way.

Well, _this _letter is just as stupid as the rest.

But…I'm afraid to do surgery. The--the incident on the bus affected my surgery once, I don't want it to happen again. I doubt my own sanity, more than I ever have before. And--and I don't…I…I'm afraid.

**B.J.**

"Margaret? I got a flight at the last minute, I'm leaving."

"Leaving? Now?"

"Will you talk to Hawkeye for me? I tried to leave him a note; there's just too much to say." He's going to hurt so badly because of this.

"Oh, I-I-I--I wanted to give you a big send off--okay, GO!"

As happy as I am to leave this place, I _hate_ leaving Hawkeye this way. I tried to tell him I was leaving, I tried to leave a note now that I _am_ leaving, and I couldn't do either. Having Margaret talk to him is a poor substitute. I know, although he never really talked about it beyond his initial "ten lousy minutes!" outbursts, that it had killed him when Trapper left without so much as a note. I can't believe I just did the same thing. If I had more time…he'll understand. I hope he'll understand. I have the opportunity to get home in time for Erin's second birthday--he'll understand. I hope.

The last time I mentioned Erin, he started ranting about--I'm really not sure what. No matter what he said--"I'm not even miffed yet"--I upset him somehow. Subconsciously, I guess he does know what happened to the baby--maybe consciously by now, I don't know--and that could have been what set him off. I don't know. I would have been sure, once, but--but not anymore. Not now.

I'll never see him again. Why does it matter so much?

Because he was my best friend--_is_ my best friend. I'll never have a closer friend, I know that already. More than that, I was--_am_--his best friend, and he needs--needed?--me just as much as I need him. He deserves better than this.

But so does everyone else sent to the 38th Parallel.

**Hawkeye**

"Pierce, good to see you. Why don't you start on the bus?"

_Bus_? Are you kidding? "Yeah, okay."

"You feel up to it?"

No. "Yeah, sure."

"Good, it's a hell of a load for me and Winchester."

"Where's B.J.?"

"You just missed him. He went home. Go ahead, you got customers."

_What_? B.J. _left_? How could he leave without saying goodbye? Did he leave a note, anything? I can't check the Swamp now, triage needs to be done. What if he didn't? How could he just leave without telling me? Didn't I mean more than that?

Okay, I need to stop thinking about him. I need to concentrate on patients, on triage…on this bus.

Oh, god. I have to get onto the bus. Don't think about Korean refugees, think about the wounded soldiers…not _those_ wounded soldiers, _these_ wounded soldiers. What are you doing, you idiot, get onto the bus and do triage!

Taking steps, that's good. Good. Why'd he leave? Made it.

**B.J.**

"I got as far as Guam and all flights were cancelled, nothing going in or out. I'm sitting there in this crummy officers' club, and this guy comes up to me and says, 'You Hunnicutt, the doctor?' Now, I didn't like the sound of that, so I replied, 'No, not me, pal, I'm Hunnicutt, the chaplain.' He says, 'Well, Chaplain, you better start praying for a miracle because you're going back to Korea to do surgery.' I was a _third_ of the way _home_!"

"When I was screaming for a surgeon--" Hawkeye. He's behind us, I can _feel_ him. "--I sure didn't think they were gonna dig you up."

"Hey, you're looking a lot better than the last time I saw you. How you feeling?" That must have been the _worst_ thing I could have said. That look he just gave me…

"In the pink."

"Uh…I wanted to leave you a note before I left, I just didn't have the time." Even to myself, the words are hollow, empty. The stupidest excuse in the world. It sounds as if I just didn't care.

"I didn't even know you were gone, I thought you were in the bathroom."

Oh, Hawkeye. Your pretending never worked on me. You want me to think you didn't care either, to think it didn't hurt when you realized I was gone. But I know you better than anyone, and I can see the pain I caused you. I'm sorry. I don't know what to say to make it up to you, and I don't know if you want me to--the way you're walking away from me…is it another one of your masks? You want me to think you can just ignore me like it doesn't matter? I know better than that.

"Sure is great to be back."

**Hawkeye**

"As it turns out, little Kim here has the same birthday as Erin Hunnicutt."

I want so badly to join in with everyone's laughter. Their fun. I want to cheer and help B.J. feel better about missing his daughter's second birthday, the second in a row he's missed.

The thing is, all these wants in my head can't compete with the butterflies in my stomach.

"So, look at this!"

Well, maybe there is one want that is actually compatible with the butterflies: I want to get out of here.

Seeing that little girl up there, in B.J.'s arms, is bringing back memories of that night, and the small life that ended because of me. I can't get close to little kids again. I won't let the same thing happen to any other child. It doesn't matter that this girl is around two years old and that boy was only around two months. It doesn't matter. I have to leave.

**B.J.**

"How about you, what're you not gonna miss?"

"Lice. Dysentery. Rats. There's nothing here I'm gonna miss." How does he _do_ that? One look, and it's like he's seeing right through me. "Except you."

"Yeah, well. We'll get to see each other." I hope. I can't stand the thought of not seeing you.

"How? You'll be on one coast, and I'll be on the other."

"Letters, phone calls. Maybe a surgical convention."

"Can you picture either one of us at a convention?" He's looking at me again. I can tell without even looking at him.

"No, I guess not." But I want to, desperately.

"We'll never see each other again." I'm as afraid that we won't see each other as he is. I'm just more optimistic than he is, I guess.

"Look, one year, Erin and Peg and I'll come east."

"_One year_?"

He's making it very hard to be optimistic. Almost as if he wants me to admit that no, we'll never see each other again, so long and it's been great knowing you. "Yeah, and we'll uh…get together, and uh…"

"Have dinner."

"Yeah." I can see where he's taking this. I don't want to follow, but it's inevitable. Hawkeye leads, I follow, that's how it's been since day one.

"In other words, goodbye."

It's not goodbye. It can't be. I don't want it to be. "It's not goodbye."

"It _is_ goodbye, say goodbye! What's the big deal, just say goodbye!"

No. I don't want it to be goodbye. That's why I didn't tell you I was leaving, why I didn't leave a note. I don't want to say goodbye.

"What d'you want me to say it for?"

"Because it shows you know _I'm going_." That's what I'm trying to forget. "What you do if I was dying, would you hold me and let me die in your arms, or would you just let me lay there and bleed?"

I can't believe you're even _asking_, of course I'd hold you! You dying is nothing like me saying goodbye. "What're you talking about, you're not _dying_! You don't even have a cold!" I have to get away.

"Come on, just a little so long."

"I gotta get back to the OR."

"Goodbyyyeee."

"Seeyoulater."

**Hawkeye**

"We can still hear the sound of nearby artillery. At some point during the next few seconds, the guns should go silent as the ceasefire officially goes into effect."

They just have to fight up until the last possible second, don't they? Literally. They don't really want peace, they _like _killing, that's why children like her are being hurt, shelled, ki…

Thank god. It's finally over. It lasted too long, but it's _over_.

"There you have it, that's the sound of peace."

**B.J.**

"So, uh…listen…"

"Yeah, uh…"

They really could have made a good couple, I think. They seemed to hate each other when I arrived, but they've obviously grown on each other.

Um. A lot.

A lot a lot.

I think I'm jealous. I think Charles might be too--he's definitely not really reading. Trying not to look at them, more likely.

This is ridiculous.

They definitely could have made a good couple…but I'm glad they didn't.

Who kisses for over thirty seconds, anyway? Are they even breathing?

Oh, thank god.

"Well, so long."

"See ya."

**Hawkeye**

"Sounds like my cab's here."

"Yeah."

"So…"

"Come on, I'll give you a ride up there."

I'm glad he said that. I don't want to leave him yet. Or ever, really. I've never really liked motorcycles, but now I'm glad that we're on one. It gives me an excuse to touch B.J. and no one can question it. I don't want to leave him--leave this place, yes, more than anything, but I don't want to leave him. If I knew it wasn't going to be forever, then it'd be different, but I have this horrible feeling that it will be. I want more than anything to see him again.

Oh god, we're here and that's my chopper and…I don't want to let go of him. All by themselves, my arms have wrapped around his middle, and I want to stay like this forever.

But I can't.

**B.J.**

"Look, I know how tough it is for you to say goodbye, so I'll say it. Maybe you're right. Maybe we will see each other again. But just in case we don't, I want you to know how much you've meant to me. I'll never be able to shake you. Whenever I see a big pair of feet or a cheesy moustache, I'll think of you."

Oh, that's so Hawkeye. He always, always, _always_ makes a joke when things get too serious for him. We had a ridiculous contest about it once. But still, there's real emotion behind the joking, always, and this time, it's sadness and…and love, maybe.

"Whenever I smell month-old socks, I'll think of you."

And I'm just like him. God, _just_ like him.

"Or the next time somebody nails my shoe to the floor."

"Or when…somebody gives me a martini that tastes like lighter fluid"

This is a dance I know well. Wordplay, banter, whatever you want to call it, Hawkeye and I have always done it. In fact, it was what first got him interested in me as someone other than just 'Trapper's replacement'. I'll miss this--and everything else about him, about us.

**Hawkeye**

"I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you. A lot. I can't imagine what this place would've been like if I hadn't found you here."

Neither can I. I don't want to. I want to stay like this, with my arms around you and your arms around me and--that kiss was dangerous, Beej, but that's okay because no one saw anyway. I want to kiss you properly, but I know I can't. I want to know I'll see you again, but again, I know I can't know for sure. I don't have your optimism about it, and I wish I did. I don't want to let go, but my chopper's here and I have to.

**B.J.**

"I'll see you back in the states. I promise!" I know that it's stupid to make such a promise, because I don't know for sure that I'll be able to keep it. "But just in case, I left you a note!" I can't bring myself to say goodbye, but I know he wants to hear it from me. Saying things aloud makes them true. In writing, however…

I can feel him watching me. I want so badly to look back, but I won't. I can't, or I know I'll start crying. And I don't want that. Not here, not now. I'm finally going home--I should be happy.

But I'm not thinking of Peg, or Erin. I'm thinking of Hawkeye.

**Hawkeye**

B.J. That's so you. You knew I wanted you to say goodbye, but couldn't bring yourself to say it, so you did this, for me. That's where you've been sneaking off to every night, when you thought I didn't know. Thank you.

I want to cry, but I won't. I can't. I know, I _know_ that it's likely we'll never see each other again. But this, this message--it's made me more optimistic than any of your almost empty words, as empty as the camp there on the ground.

Goodbye.

A/N2: I swear to god, B.J. DOES kiss Hawk. Watch the goodbye scene closely, right when they're about to pull away from each other, it looks like he kisses him on the cheek.


End file.
